| haha. |
[14 Feb 2006|11:24pm] |
Taylor Elexis Jacobs
&
Johnny Reid Holland
present:
Star Jones
&
Kylie Minogue
in:
FEVER.
Wakes up, approx 6:00am. Goes to kickboxing class to relieve stress.
Pole vaults over construction workers to avoid being mugged.
She rows across the Hudson River to escape the construction workers who are now chasing her.
Accidentally intrudes into a Secret Bowler's League meeting, and to avoid being killed, makes a quick decision to shot put each bowling ball and single handedly take out each middle aged member of International Bowling Championship Team, "The Cough Drops."
The bowling team recovers, and begins to rapidly chase her. She jumps in a Nascar Daytona 5,000, and at a speed of 150 beats per minute, she races up a mountain, hugging every curve.
She reaches a dead end, and approaches a ski lift, at which time she discovers a pink furry ski suit hanging on a perfectly satin wrapped hanger on a pine tree. There is a juicebox chillin' in the pocket, and she begins to bob her head back and forth while sipping all the way up the lift.
As she skis down the bunny slope, she makes way into the lodge where she spots her ex boyfriend and his new fiancee at the bar. She finds a red fleece blanket and attempts to wrap it around her shoulders, all at once alerting the local Bull, at which time he charges at her thinking she is asking for a fight.
She furiously runs out of the lodge, and decides to follow her ex and his new squeeze all the way to their speedboat, where they are sipping champagne. She grabs ahold of a rope, and inconspicuously ties it to the back of their boat, all the while holding her breath under water. When the boat takes off, she rises, and begins to gain momentum behind the boat. Dolphins swim along side her and sing backup. The boat stops, and she nonchalantly sinks into the water with a slightly confused look of discouragement. She swims up onto the shore of an abandoned island, where nothing is as it seems. Trees and parrots mysteriously sing backup, as the dirt sparkles with glory. Among the abyss of a vividly colorful tropical jungle, she begins to sprint as fast as humanly possibly toward the center of the Island, where Star Jones' mouth spits lava upward from the volcano that is her body. Star begins to passionately sing backup along with all of the other jungle friends.
She realizes that she inhaled far too many pints of salt water while water skiing incognito, and deliriously wakes up on a locker room floor to find that it was all a dream. It's her big day. She takes one last gander at herself in the mirror and nervously approaches the high dive at the local YMCA. She climbs those long 24 steps to the very top, and begins to run in slow motion toward the end of the board. She launches off, and during a glorious three minutes and fifty-nine second dive, she sings into her headset. Star Jones falls past her spinning her turntable and whispering "rendezvooooous". The dolphins fall past her displaying choreographed time steps, while the jungle creatures play various musical instruments in the air. The bowling team waves happily as they pass her on the way down. At one point, her ex boyfriend and the new fiancee are having a major break up fight in mid-air. Everything is finally coming together. The construction workers hammer and drill to the beat, while the bull spins at rapid speeds on it's way into the deep end. She finally lands in the pool with an effortless dive, and the entire cast begins to create a syncronized windmill in the water. Highly satisfied, she ice skates up and out of the water and into the distance, never to be seen again.
|
|
| If you walk away, I'll walk away. |
[26 Jan 2006|08:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bright Eyes - If You Walk Away, I'll Walk Away |
] |
My mind is constantly at war. I think it took me a really long time to realize that this isn't a normal occurrance. I fight with myself about every single little thing, not only in my life, but just life in general. Sometimes I feel as if there is no meaning or truth behind anything. Thousands of people die every second of every day and the world keeps on orbiting. Of course people will be remembered by those who truly knew them, but in the long run, it doesn't effect the grand scheme of things. So why do we as humans have this feeling of self importance? Maybe it's only natural that the one body, mind, and soul we have been given is all we have to gratify. I find myself self absorbed all the time, thinking of what would make me happy in the long run. I guess that's what Americans are trained to do. Focus on the self instead of the group. I'm not saying I want to shift my attention. I'm just observing. I see the sky, and the freeway, and the sun and moon rise and fall every single day, and I can't help but think, 'Is this the last sunset I will see?' I am learning more and more that expecting and welcoming death is not prevalent during most healthy people's 20's. I've never been able to shake the feeling that I am always about to take my last breath. I feel more intensely and passionately about everything then most people I have ever met. I don't let logic interfere with my life choices. I live primarily on instinct and emotion, which can have it's obvious dangers. Well, maybe not PRIMARILY, but at least when it comes to relationships. At the same time, I tend to confuse myself when it comes to fear. It's hard not to think ahead to the future, and be skeptical of opportunities that might hurt me. I guess I am realizing that all I can do in my power right now, and all I WANT to do, is just love with everything I have, and not be curious as to what I will receive in return. I am still trying to solve the life-long puzzle of why I have such severe emotions and moods. I don't want to think it's chemical. It can't be. I'm too smart for that, and I can beat whatever this is. I'm just trying to observe it in the meantime, which is why I write in the first place. For clarity. It's really hard for me to not give into my surroundings and become superficial. I dont think I'm a superficial person, but on the flipside, I constantly feel not-perfect-enough for California. I'm not naturally blonde, I'll never be thin, and more importantly, I'll never be able to shoot the shit with the party peeps. I have tried. I just can't lower myself to their level. I'd rather be alone than be with 99% of the people in this city. It's not that I put myself above them, I guess I am just on a quest in life for something more, and most people don't understand what more there could be. Someone new has come into my life. Someone who gets me. Someone who makes me feel like I'm not a freak of nature for contemplating things other than Abercrombie and beer. I feel like there is a specific reason for every single thing that happens in my life, and every person that comes into it; which is the contradiction I was talking about at the beginning. All I can say right now is that meeting him has made me realize that maybe life isn't dark and morbid 100% of the time. Maybe it's only 96.7%. I find it ironic that I can meet someone equally as analytical and pessimistic, and that alone can make us both happy. Happy. Do I even like that word? It annoys me for some reason. Maybe because I'm afraid to be happy. Maybe being happy for just one day would prove wrong everything I have ever thought about this planet and life. Maybe me sitting here and going in circles with my typing is making matters much, much worse. =). The weird thing about this situation is that I am certain in how I feel for him, regardless of how he feels for me. I don't think I've ever been able to say that before. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I think we were meant to cross paths. Well, cross paths, or walk the exact same path and just happen to glance over and see someone coincidentally walking beside me. I just have to keep reminding myself that if I end up getting hurt from this, I think there will be a valid reason for that pain to be there in the first place. In all honesty, all I really want is to figure myself out. Does anyone really ever achieve that? I doubt it. So what am I wasting my time for? Well, I like having conversations with myself for one, which is basically what free-writing is doing. Putting a voice to all the little people who live inside my head. Teehee. I think also maybe because I want to look back on this journal in 20 years and have a good hard laugh at how ignorant and stupid I was, and realize how far I have come. That is, assuming the world doesn't end and I don't have a brain anneurism riiiiight NOW!!! *ouchy*
|
|
| irony! |
[23 Jan 2006|06:11pm] |
|
I love how the last entry consisted of me saying how I actually got some free time to spare to write an entry, yet I got caught up 56 seconds later, and had to end it short. Maybe I'll get some extra time after we move into our new plce to actually exhale!?! If not, I'll be dead and it wont matter either way!
|
|
| oh gosh! |
[21 Jan 2006|05:24pm] |
|
OK, now that I actually have a moment in life to stop and breathe, I decided to do a little bit of writing because my poor journal feels neglected. So, the past couple of weeks have completely 180ed my perspective on life. I haven't yet concluded if it has been for better or worse. Maybe neither.
|
|
| WWJD! |
[14 Jan 2006|06:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
I can't possibly write anything right now. There is just too much going on. I would seriously have to sign up for a new account just to reserve that much space on the internet for it all. My life is like this huge ever-growing ball of rubber bands, and although it is never boring, I am beginning to become physically stressed, which rarely happens with me. Moving in 10 days--totalling my car on the freeway--The cat--Not being able to see the one person I want right now--I wont even begin. I'll update when I have more clarity.
|
|
| let's meet on the corner and act like we're old friends. |
[04 Jan 2006|07:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 energetic |
] |
So here's the dillyo. Long story short. Amy moved in with me yesterday, (along with her pet cat who is stalking me,) and we put down a deposit on a suuuper cute apartment, that we will be moving into on January 31. I am rather excited about it, seeing as I need some change in my life. My mom likes to call it "pulling a geographical" when someone is unhappy so they move locations, and continue being unhappy because they didn't really fix the problem within themself. That is what I am NOT doing. Just wanted to clarify, and this would be a perfect chance to credibly use "haha." I can't decide if it's good or bad for me to be busy. When I am busy, I have no time to think of anything of any value because I am constantly focusing on the next thing I have to do. Maybe it's good for me to be in the moment for awhile. The really sad part is, [and I'm pretty sure this is just me,] when major changes happen in my life, like moving, I almost don't want to put forth the effort to do all of the work, in the event that I should die before we even move. I know that sounds reeaaalllly melodramatic, but hey--you know me. I am just always prepared for death, which maybe isn't normal for a 21 year old. I am going to get a bunch of books from the library this weekend on death and maybe it will start to clarify a lot of my thoughts. Orrrr...maybe it will do just the opposite. Orrrr maybe I need to stop typing right now and actually get back to work??? Josh Rouse is playing at the Troubadour on January 24! Who wants to go with me? I KNOW you want to see the living legend before you die...inquire within!
|
|
| 2006: so far, so good! |
[02 Jan 2006|09:35pm] |
|
I'm getting a puppy in the near future!!! I am soooo excited!! I already have the name and breed picked out...now I just have to start hunting for the specific little creature that tugs on my heart strings when I look into it's little yorkie eyes.....swoon...life is lookin' up.
|
|
| how long do you think it will take to get to........... |
[29 Dec 2005|02:18am] |
|
Today pretty much rocked. Went to LA with Johnny and got in all sorts of trouble. Including Japanese trouble, and Ferris Wheel trouble, and Marina Del Ray trouble, and Nigress trouble. Wow. Just wow.
|
|
| skepticism and an intended lack of alcohol. |
[26 Dec 2005|08:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
My first instinct is to say that I am constantly plagued with thoughts and feelings that are difficult for me to interpret into fact or logic. I know better, however, because I know that often times my mind is a tricky, tricky thing, and in the end, I have complete control over what passes through it and what stays and goes. I had an interesting 3+ hour discussion with someone very spiritual at work tonight, and it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I feel like many people my age just don't really sit and take the time to consider what exactly their purpose on this planet is. Me on the other hand, I can't live peacefully until I know. I am not satisfied in everyday life by trivial, yet tempting distractions. There are everyday ocurrances that we take for granted that make the time on this earth a little more bearable for our bodies. Things like sex, food, music, speech, etc. I would throw relationships in there, but I believe that friendships/relationships are only a seemingly tangible way to feel understood. People think they fall in love because they find someone who understands and accepts them exactly as they are at that moment and vice versa. I am open to the possibility that I only think this, because I have never actually experienced being in love, and I think I hold it so high in my life, that even if I ever did experience it, I would convince myself that it wasn't yet the real thing, and I should keep waiting. I have such unreachably high standards. Scary! In contrast, friends are people who know and like the person who is presented to them. Feelings between humans, however, are only mirages to make people feel more comfortable with their journey. I think my biggest challenge as of now, is to realize the insignificance of my life, but also realize that this doesn't mean that I don't have an affect on other's lives. I need to become more confident with my beliefs and my faith, although I have a feeling I'm much much more confident than most other people already, just because I have the ability to constantly form new thoughts and challenge myself to continually expand my view on life. I have spent so many years certain in my atheism and science fascination, that I still have this lingering fear that other like-minded individuals will think I've betrayed them or that I've become "weak." I think it's just the opposite. Even if I spend a pointless 60 years on this planet pursuing a theory that doesn't even really exist, I guess that's better than spending 60 years on this planet without any evidence of growth. I can never seem to find the answer to why other people don't think about the things I think about 24 hours a day, but I guess that's sociology...me comparing myself to a group of people and therefore outcasting myself due to differences. I feel good about this though. I take pride in the fact that out of all the people I know, I am the most unique, and it is NOT because I have a mohawk, or peircings, or because I listen to weird music. I take pride in the fact that physically I blend in, and yet I still consider myself to be unlike anyone who has ever lived, aside from my past lives. Furthermore, I need to lower my level of response to other people. I usually have no problem when somebody directly insults me, or dislikes me, mostly because I can usually name 50 things in 30 seconds that I like more about myself than them (which probably isn't the healthiest method, but shoot me...) I do, however, need to not get so angry when I encounter unintelligent people, because 99.9999% of the world is retarded. I think I have only met two people in my 21 years of existence that aren't stupid. Actually, make that 3 because my little sister gets it. A lot of the time, my depression stems from that fact that I feel there is nobody to relate to in times of overcontemplation, because common humans make a conscious choice not to think. Period. Nobody really cares about reasons for anything. They just want to come off as physically attractive (which is pure luck, might I mention, and which does NOT provide even the fakest of happiness, because time and time again, I have been asked the DUMBEST question ever: "why is such a pretty girl always so sad?" Like the fact that I happen to be pretty should make me feel anymore satisfied with the life I have been given? That is the epitomy of shallow and it makes me sick.) So from tonight's entry, we can can gather that stupid people make me physically stressed, I am not content with where my life is right now because I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything, or giving in general, and finally, quality over quantity when it comes to people in my life. While many people might disgaree with my theory, if I happen to know or befriend someone who is of absolute no benefit to my life or the planet, I don't need that person at all. Chances are, I had no emotional bond with someone like that to begin with, so it shouldn't be too hard to let that person go from my life because they have no meaning. Which is really sad for them. There have been a few people lately whom that applies to, and I honest from the bottom of my heart, hope that they can one day love themself, and find their purpose, instead of traveling in an air-tight vessil with no windows or doors-->which is all that their life is. I don't think it's necessarily pity, but more empathy for the position they're in, and what that must feel like to merely exist. In this sense, I am not a bad person, and the previous statement is my justification for that. I know what I need to do in 2006. I need to take action and I need to believe.
Writing these entries, as completely bizarre and psychotic as they must sound to anyone other than myself, clears my mind and my spirit of any negativity and centers me. Deep down inside, I know what my calling in life is. I feel it. I don't want to write it on livejournal though, because I feel like the internet (as much time as I spend on it) is a bit degrading. ACTION. Over and Out.
One last note: I quit drinking.
PPPPPPPPSSSSSSSS, I just realized that I could write and write and write and write and write, and then dictate (on my death bed when I have arthritis) and dictate and dictate until the very end of time. Maybe I should move to a cabin in the middle of nowhere and just write and write and write.....well....you get the point. STOP READING ALREADY!! Don't you have anything better to do? Gosh!!!!!! LEAVE!!!!!!!!!! I'M AT WORK RIGHT NOW, WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?????
|
|
|
[24 Dec 2005|05:35pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sleighbells and morphine |
] |
So I'm currently at work with a rather high temperature and the flu--not to mention it's Christmas Eve, which doesn't mean shit to me. I just need to complain for a minute. I can't see out of my eyes because they are so wattery, I can't breathe out of my nose, and my throat is so scratchy, it is starting to feel like astro-turf. Infact, I can't even make out the keyboard or computer screen clearly, and every word I am typing is coming out as Dfhg sdfgkjhs, dsgflds dfgkjd; dflr gfg g;; nj, so I have to keep going back and fixing it while squinting. If you still can't imagine how I feel, then go fuck yourself because I want to die right now. Anybody who walks in here saying, "Merry Christmas!" is making me want to jump over this desk and strangle them. As long as I can get through these next always unbearable days, I will be fine until next year, and I promise I will appreciate every non-christmas day so much more. Just please please please make it go by fast. I'll seriously do anything.
|
|
| Staples+Golden Spoon=Love |
[22 Dec 2005|01:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
I think I'm allergic to alcohol. Or maybe my physical sickness has to do with the fact that Ambar is leaving for another country in 5 hours for 2 weeks. What am I going to do without her? I refuse to leave the house until she returns. If you are reading this Ambar, clap twice.
On a lighter note, Vegas was a success. [Aside from throwing up out of the window during the 9-fucking-hour traffic-filled drive that apparently in no way resembled Georgia.]
I love my life.
PS, Johnny got me the best Channukah present I have ever received in my entire life tonight. Could anyone ever know me better? THE SPARK IS INVINCIBLE.
|
|
| wayne newton. |
[18 Dec 2005|08:16am] |
vegas tomorrow bitches! ya heeeaaaard!
I'm at work. It's 8:00am on a Sunday. The computers are down. There is nothing to do but DIE. Only 6 hours more. Fancy that.
|
|
| dr. phil aint got nothin' on me. |
[17 Dec 2005|12:39am] |
|
Note: After reading the previous entry I just posted, I had a self-epiphany. I just figured out my entire problem in a matter of 10 seconds. I am way too focused on myself. I should switch my focus to others. My personal belief system is to love someone as hard as you possibly can without expecting anything in return. So that's what I will do. I will live my life less concerned with what other people think or feel, and just be 100% certain and aware of my own feelings and thoughts. It's not my job to figure anyone out, or fix anyone. (although if you need help I'd be willing to do a personal analysis for a small fee...)
|
|
| Let's Call Him "B". |
[17 Dec 2005|12:21am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Radiohead - Scatterbrain |
] |
My mind is arguing with itself again. I am such a loser when it comes to guys. When I really like someone, I can't get them out of my head. It is really annoying, and although I think this is normal, I am always positive that the guy doesn't think about me ever, let alone acknowledge my existence. Then again, I just realized that this is probably the reason I like him in the first place, because I am such a low priority in his life. It's a challenge. I guess with this particular guy, I am just annoyed because I don't understand what it is about me the he just doesn't like. Maybe he just wants a simple, pretty little quiet girl. We all know I'm simple and quiet. Riiiight. I guess lately I've realized that although I've had a lot of boyfriends, I've never been in a relationship before. I've never been with a guy that I REALLY like. I always date them just because they like me and I'm physically attracted to them. I have never had a boyfriend that I could have an actual conversation with, or that has ever made me laugh. I figure it can't hurt anyone for me to be this honest, right? I guess I need to stop being so superficial and put looks aside. It's a little hard to have sex with someone you're not attracted to though. Ugh! I need to stop thinking and just BE. OK, I'm done. Shut up mind. I guess if I really do like him as much as I think I do, I should want him to be happy no matter what. I hope things work out for him and he ends up truly happy because he is an amazing person. Maybe he just deserves someone who is a little less self-absorbed, and psycho? All I know is that if I was a guy, I would loooove me. I guess everyone feels like that about themself though. Or do they? Am I unusually narcissistic? Is THAT my problem? Either way, I blame Ambar & Johnny for feeding my ego 24/7. :-o
|
|
| Trust me. Everyone is less mysterious than they think they are. |
[11 Dec 2005|12:40am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Smashing Pumpkins - By Starlight |
] |
So today was pretty much a waste. Then again, it really wasn't because I got one day older, which means I'm one day closer to death, and therefore one day closer to SOMETHING at least, right? Ehh. Works for me. I am proud of myself, however, for making some really positive decisions for me and my life lately. Slowly, I'm learning to love myself more and more everyday, and as a result, I end up protecting myself from toxic people. Whereas before, I purposely surrounded myself with them. I know exactly what I need to do. It's just a matter of doing it. I think I'm going to write a book. This sounds completely random and irrelevant to anything, but I feel it would take up a lot of my time with a postive form of self expression. Obviously it would have be based on my personal experiences, but written through the eyes of someone nothing like me. I think it would be interesting to write a story about someone completely introverted that lives their entire life isolated. I think of this all the time for some reason. I think isolation is really healthy to a degree. If I were to live by myself in the middle of nowhere for years, with no form of communication to anyone else, I would become completely peaceful. Actually, now that I think of it, I think 90% of the stress we have in everyday life comes from interactions with others. Wow. I totally just realized this as I was typing. On the contrary, we need other people for some reason. Well, I do at least. I live for my friends. So I guess this entry was incredibly pointless. Yay! I very badly need to start writing some funny shit in here because I'm starting to get waaaay too serious for my own good. I'm not even a serious person. What the hell am I doing? OK, so I officially state that this is all a joke. My life. Your life. The planet. Anything that ever happens is just a big hilarious joke. Seriously. Now doesn't that feel a little better? Blaaaah!
|
|
| Meds for me? Negatory! |
[07 Dec 2005|09:36pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Elliot Smith - Twilight |
] |
Today was amazing. A complete 180 from the day before. I had a spiritual breakthrough. Many things led me to realize a lot of valuable things. Someone really wise told me something profound today. Our experiences are defined by the images we project through our eyes, and the sounds we hear from our ears. Those images and sounds are then interpreted by our brain as anything we choose. The same vision is interpreted differently by 6 billion people. Life is defined as what we are experiencing, seeing, hearing, feeling, touching, and smelling at this very second. The past exists only when we bring it out of storage and dissect it. The future exists only when we project our hopes, fears and worries pertaining to the present moment. The only real way to be happy, is to do nothing. Absolutely positively nothing. I discovered the value of silence today. When my mind is quiet, I am at peace. Every single thought I ever have, is created by me. I create a reaction to every single thing that goes on in my life. This is not about attitude. Not about being an optimist or a pessimist. It's about understanding the difference between reality and perception. To a lot of religions, the concept of God is Ultimate Reality. I doubt there has ever been one human that has ever witnessed ultimate reality. We don't know what it is, and we can't even begin to fathom what it consists of, or what it's like because it's a whole new layer of foreign knowledge to us. Though I am not in school, (I am probably at a third grade level anyhow,) I have been doing a good amount of studying lately. I've been studying Jung's Principle of Synchronicity. It's basically the alignment of universal forces with the life experiences of an individual, and the process of becoming intuitively aware and acting in harmony with these forces. In the past 24 hours, I have seen more change in me than over a period of 21 years. I have a gazillion more books to read on this, and I am merely a beginner with little-to-no knowledge on any of this, but already I have begun to live my life with acceptance. I think I have come to create my own definition of God. Whenever people talk about God, I picture some genie on a magic carpet in the sky, commanding the world to worship him and his pet monkey. I think God is the soul. It's what's inside me that allows me to come to terms with all parts of my mind and sit silently and peacefully in a chaotic city. Wow, now that I got sidetracked and just typed all that in like 5 minutes, I want to get back to what I was saying before about creation. So, if I create this experience called life, then that means all the troubles I have been having with finding answers, and thinking negatively, is all just a coping mechanism I have developed to block out anything really real. Consequently, I don't even know what real is. Nobody does I guess. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I embrace and love all religions and beliefs, even though I don't claim one for myself. I think I used to call myself atheist because it was easier to not face any of this. I joke a lot about Satan-->that we are related, and sometimes I think certain members of my family ARE Satan, but that's not the point. I believe that Satan is the part of me that holds myself back from anything good. The self-sabotager. The family failure. The college drop-out. The narcissistic pessimist. I think God is the real core of my soul who knows what is true, and who shines through when all else is quiet. The loyal friend. The listener. The observer. The accepting stranger. The warm fuzzy feeling? OK, I possibly took that one too far but I get my own point here. I guess that's why I write these entries in the first place. The more I write, the more I discover about myself, and therefore, the more I love myself. I believe in intuition. I think nothing else in the whole world matters besides how I feel about what is happening to me right at this very second. What a waste of time to think about tomorrow. What a waste of time to think about yesterday. What a waste of time to listen to Jesse McCartney. What a waste of time to watch South Park. Ehh...that one might be a waste, but it's a good one. I heart South Park. Tru dat! Anyways, I guess my point is that today I learned the gift of silencing the world around me and centering myself. There is a seminar on this on Thursday nights at 7:00pm, at the Scripps Center for Integrative Medicine, if anybody would like to join me. Well, let's just say it's good to be Taylor. I don't think I'd want to be anyone else on this planet, and that feels indescribable.
Note: The views in this entry are strictly that of Taylor Elexis Jacobs, and nobody else. If you happen to disagree with me, then awesome! We can have a neat debate over tea and crumpets. If you agree, then let's get married. Either way, please don't think I know what I'm talking about, I'm just some random American who likes to act smart...I guess I just happen to be really good at it.
|
|
| Pop Culture and Partying. Like OMG! LOL! |
[06 Dec 2005|04:00pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Starflyer 59 - Harmony (Americana) |
] |
Wow. I went to bed really high last night, and woke up at 3 today. I can't decide if that was good or bad. The good news is that I am getting back on meds tomorrow, (it has been about 5 years) so we'll see if this whole ordeal is chemical. I'm pretty sure it has to be. I keep dreaming that I am dying. Every single night. Is this normal? Does everyone have these? Something tells me they don't. The weird thing is that a lot of the time I claim that I wouldn't mind dying because my life is so worthless, but then in my dreams, actually dying is the scariest feeling I've ever felt. I keep dreaming of God. It's this white reflection of a face that keeps appearing on one of the posters on my wall. I don't know what to believe. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I don't know what I'm nervous for. Last night, in my dream I realized that this planet is one of millions of planets with life on them. We are nothing. I am nothing. I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of, but I'm scared. I wish I could just be naive and live my daily life thinking of pop culture and partying. There have to be other people out there that feel like this. I wonder how they deal with it. I am going to find one. He is going to be a guy. I am going to marry him. End of Story. There's my hope. There's what keeps me from falling over and dying for lack of anything better to do. I have been told a few times in my life that I am one of the voices of this generation. Three people have told me that I am a born leader, and I need to speak up about how I feel, and the rest will fall into place. Sometimes I believe this. Sometimes I just think that I'm crazy. Either way, I have to get rid of this constant paranoia before I can do anything. I feel like a lot of people say they love me, and time and time again, I get the feeling that everyone hates me. That I'm annoying, and weird, and self absorbed, and not genuine, and high strung. I guess none of this matters. I guess it makes no difference to type everything that goes through my head onto the internet. I think it all the time anyway. For me to actually put a voice to my crack-baby-esque thoughts is probably only more evidence that I need to be locked up.
|
|
| terminally unique, I am. |
[04 Dec 2005|09:32pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Josh Rouse - My Love Has Gone |
] |
Is it really weird that I annoy myself when I'm happy? I went back and read all my livejournal entries, as sort of an insight into my progress thus far, and all the times I have been that "average person" I always talk about, make me cringe. It's just not me. Are there really empty stupid people out there? Or are they all just hiding parts of themselves? Are all these people I constantly refer to just living a lie? Am I living a lie? Am I just like them? Am I wasting my time thinking about things that don't even exist? Do I even exist? Am I going to die tomorrow? Would it really be that big of a loss if I did? Am I completely oblivious to everything that really matters? Are these questions ever going to get answered? Using my common sense, I'd venture to say: No. I guess I'd better start finding a way to fill all my time on this earth up with distractions and paths to a better me, so I can answer them myself. I guess my life is going to be a quest to get to the bottom of this koi pond. Anyone who has the empty, excess time to read my pointless LiveJournal might find themselves asking, "Taylor, why on earth would you relate life to a koi pond?" I might have found it more purposeful to relate it to a wrecking ball, or maybe the infamous Indiana Jones boulder? Wow, now THAT was an important sentence. And my sarcasm only gets me about as far as a retarded pole vaulter. Riiight...anyways, I guess my point is that I take what I can get from my mind. My mind likes to constantly give me baffling ideas to work with on a daily basis, and as long as I can feel, I know I'm alive. I guess pain is better than numbness. And the award for most cliche/emo entry of the decade goes to.....Taylor Elexis Jacobs, son of Lucifer.
swd099: i dont like that people are content being alone just because they havent figured out any fucking shit about themselves or their priorities. <--Johnny gets it. I love you Johnny. And our two children as well.
|
|
| My heart is frozen still...as I try to find a way... |
[03 Dec 2005|11:02am] |
|
'Tis the season to be completely miserable. Only this year, it's different. Well, at least I like to think it is. All these years I've been so hung up on feeling so god damn negative about everything...always trying to find an answer, or at least a way to make it all feel better in the meantime. On and off, I have been diagnosed with everything from Bipolar Disorder to Down Syndrome. For awhile I did believe I was chemically imbalanced, then I'd come to my senses and remember that I don't believe in psychiatry. Then, I'd try to find God, and remember that I don't believe in religion. I'd try to find a spiritual center, and remember that I rely mostly on logic rather than faith. I'd desperately try to find common ground with people, and I still have friends that feel the same way I do, but I can't shake the constant feeling that there is something wrong with me. I try to consistently remind myself that everyone should fuck off. It doesn't matter if I'm jaded, crazy, filled with issues, insane, ugly, mean, stupid....any of the things I tell myself on a daily basis. I guess they're the things everyone tells themselves. I tell myself that in the end, people can judge me for whatever the hell they want, but I will still come out smarter, and more insightful in the end. Maybe that's my narcissism talking. Maybe it isn't as common as I think to completely over-analyze and dissect everything that ever happens to me, and every relationship with every person in my life. I am constantly questioning all the good things, and catasrophizing the bad. Maybe it's my age. Maybe I'm too young to know anything real. But I can't help but feel out of place in my generation. I feel like a lot of people my age don't worry about this stuff. I resent that. Why can't I just go out and party, and have fun with my friends, and meet new people? I always take everything so god damn seriously. I get deeply attached to everyone I meet. I think my ability to love like that scares the shit out of people. That might be why I intimidate people. OK--times up Jacobs. Session's over today.
|
|
| cancer! yay! |
[29 Nov 2005|04:24pm] |
So I am currently at work, standing at the front desk, Kelly to the East, Brittany to the South. I often find myself wondering, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? Seiously, I know a lot of other people feel the same way, but I feel like I have absolutely no direction. I pretty much suck at my job, because it doesn't allow me to have any sort of creative outlet, which is all I excel at. I can't go back to school for obvious reasons. I guess I could be in worse positions, but that doesn't make it any more hopeful. Well, ok, yes it does. I do have to admit that I am in love with my friends. Thanksgiving break really opened my eyes to how many amazing and valuable people I have in my life that love me, including Jordyn. I have seen RENT in theaters 4 times and counting, and each time it inspires me more and more. I have realized that I am much more creative and imaginative when I'm completely and utterly devastatingly depressed. I feel like when I'm content or happy, I have nothing to write about. Or maybe I just have nothing entertaining to write about. I will write back when I become more suicidal. As for now, shalom to all, and to all a good night.
There's only now.
There's only here.
Give into love.
Or live in fear.
No other path.
No other way.
No day but today.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
toxxicwaste's journal